


I Knew You First

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [150]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comfort, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, First War with Voldemort, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Self-Hatred, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24776050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Sirius didn't know how James could stand to be around him after being tortured by Bellatrix.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [150]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 14
Kudos: 132





	I Knew You First

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: “First War Hurt/Comfort Getting-Together Fic. James is the one suffering from nightmares after he was tortured by Bellatrix. Sirius is a guilty mess. How about bed-sharing and love confessions, please?”

When Sirius visited James in St. Mungo's, his face was pale. He didn't regain his colour for the entire visit. 

"You can't blame yourself," Lily said, a touch tiredly. It was war; everyone was tired. 

"I'm not blaming myself," Sirius growled, but Lily knew him too well to believe that. 

"I won't pretend to understand Black Family politics, but how the _hell_ are you at all responsible for what Bellatrix does?" 

Sirius grit his teeth and didn't answer. It wasn't a Black Family thing she was missing; it was an Ancient and Noble Houses of the British Wizarding World thing that she was missing. Sirius had been the heir for the first fifteen years of his life, and his parents had treated him as such. Orion made it clear that anything that happened in their Family was his responsibility. Bellatrix was his cousin, and she had tortured his best friend. She would've killed James if Lily hadn't found him. "Don't mention it to James," he said. 

"What?" 

"Don't mention that I feel responsible." 

"Why not? He's your best friend, I think he'll notice." 

"James noticing isn't the same as you telling him. I'll deal with it when I have to-" _if_ he had to "-but he doesn't need to be worrying about that when he should be focused on recovering." 

Lily looked at him evenly for several seconds, then nodded. "Okay. If you think it's for the best." She reached forward and hugged him, and Sirius held on a little too desperately. She didn't mention it, but he knew that he had noticed. James was the single most important thing to him, and he'd almost lost him. Hell, he _had_ lost him. James had been missing for three days before he got rescued. And Bellatrix had been the one torturing him. Not only were they family, but Sirius knew how strong their family resemblance was. He'd seen pictures of Bellatrix when she'd been a child, and the only noticeable difference between her and Sirius at the same age was that her hair was more curly. For better or worse, Sirius had an idea of how she operated; she got up close and personal. She wanted for people to know _exactly_ who was doing this to them. And if there was one thing that Sirius didn't think he'd ever be able to stomach, it was James looking at him and thinking of _that_. 

* * *

James was a little shaky when he was able to come home, but for the most part, he was fine. At least, that's what he kept telling Sirius. "Really mate, I'm fine. Not good enough for missions, but I'm fine to walk around our flat." 

"Yeah," Sirius said, frowning. He watched James from a couple feet away, wanting to hover but not wanting to get too close and trigger something in James's memory. If neither of them had to think about him getting captured and tortured ever again, that would be just fine. 

James grimaced when he sat down, then shifted until he found a good position. 

"If you're in pain, we can-" 

"I'm fine," James cut in. He looked up at Sirius and smiled. "Honestly. Just getting used to being back." 

"I don't believe you, but fine. Whatever you say." 

James's expression turned into a confused frown. "If you don't believe me, then why are you dropping it?" 

It was a fair question. Sirius didn't just drop shit, especially when it came to James and _especially_ when it was about James being hurt. Sirius shrugged. "You've been through a lot; I don't want to argue about this shite." 

"Er, okay?" 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and made some pasta for dinner. When it was done, he brought a bowl over to James but went back and ate at the table instead of joining him on the couch. 

"You feeling alright?" James asked. 

"'m fine. Why?" 

"Well you're sitting at the table. Pretty sure the only time we've eaten there was the day that we moved in." 

Sirius shrugged again. Shrugging was the easiest way to keep from talking too much, and he had a bad tendency to start talking and never stop when James was around. "Didn't want to upset your balance." 

"Okay," James said slowly. 

It might feel a little off right now, but James would get used to it. 

* * *

"Sirius?" 

A little shake on his shoulder. 

"Sirius." James. 

"Mmh?" Sirius blearily opened his eyes. The hall light was on and his door was open, so he could vaguely see James's features. He wasn't wearing his glasses, but that wasn't a surprise since it was the middle of the night. He was standing, not sitting on the bed, bent at the back so he was a little closer to Sirius's level. 

"Can I stay with you tonight?" 

"Mm." Sirius nodded, eyes squeezing shut as he yawned. 

"Thanks," James whispered. He left to turn off the hall light and came back in, sinking into the mattress as easily as Sirius used to do when they were at Hogwarts. He cuddled up to Sirius's side, and Sirius put an arm around his shoulders automatically. It had been a while since they'd done this, but it felt the same. Their bodies were shaped a little differently, and of course, back then, James had been the one holding Sirius most of the time, but his warmth was the same. He smelled the same as always, and even though the physical sensation of holding him was different, the way it affected him was exactly the same. It felt perfect, and Sirius hated himself a little bit more. 

"You okay?" he asked, because if James wasn't feeling any better, then there was no point to this-- Sirius didn't deserve to feel good if James didn't. 

"...I will be." 

* * *

"You wanna talk about last night?" Sirius asked over breakfast. James had all but dragged him to the couch and putting up a fight might have hurt him. 

"Not much to talk about," James said around his food. He swallowed, then added, "Nightmare. It'll go away after a while. But er, can I stay with you again tonight?" 

He should say no. James needed time to get over this-- if he ever was going to, torture wasn't exactly something you could sleep off-- and Sirius should respect that. The problem was that James wasn't acting like he _wanted_ space; he was acting like he wanted to cuddle up to Sirius and never let go. Sirius had two lists when it came to James: Things James Wants and Things I Want For James. There was a lot of overlap, but when they disagreed, he almost always ended up doing what James wanted. James wanted comfort, and Sirius was available. Sirius wasn't going to refuse just because he thought he knew better. What was a little bone crushing guilt? He'd survive, and James would feel better. "Sure." 

"Thanks. D'you have to work today?" 

"Yes. For both." Both, in this case, meaning the Aurors and the Order. 

James gave a slow nod. "Wish I was going with you." 

"Give it another week, and you will be." Sirius shoveled the rest of his food in his mouth, drank the rest of his tea, then pressed a kiss to the top of James's head. It was only after he made contact that he thought maybe he should've kept his space. "I'll be back tonight," he said, walking to the door. 

"Don't forget to eat," James called after him. 

Sirius lifted a hand to show that he'd heard him but didn't reply. James should hate him right now. Hell, Sirius hated himself right now. How hard could it be for James to get on the same page? 

* * *

James woke up in the middle of the night, shaking awfully and clinging to Sirius like he was the only thing keeping him alive. 

"You're okay," Sirius said, holding him close. 

"I- _Merlin_ I hate this. I keep- I keep thinking that I'm back there and then I see you and-" 

"Sorry," Sirius said, unable to help the self-deprecating tone out of his voice. 

"Sorry? Why the sodding hell are _you_ sorry?" 

"I mean," Sirius said quietly, "I know I look a lot like her." 

James scoffed, pushing his face more firmly against Sirius's chest. "Don't be stupid." 

"Can't beat family resemblance. You want me to call Moony?" Wait, Remus might be busy. "Or Lils?" 

"I just want you," James said, his fingers relaxing then tightening again on Sirius's arm. "For fuck's sake, Sirius, that's all I've ever wanted." He was starting to cry, and Sirius felt even worse; he was supposed to be helping James feel better, not push him to all new lows. "How could you think I look at you and see her? I knew you first, I- I bloody love you more than anything, and- and-" He couldn't keep talking when he started sobbing, so he didn't try, just held on to Sirius until his shirt was wet with tears. 

Eventually, the crying tapered off, but he was still clinging to Sirius. 

"I know it's-" he stopped, swallowed "-it's not the best time, but I- I'm in love with you. Merlin, Sirius, I love you so buggering much, and I know you don't feel the same way, but I needed to tell you because I feel like I'm going bloody mad keeping it to myself and-" 

"Hey, it's okay." Sirius moved one of his hands up to the back of James's neck and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "It's okay." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. Merlin, James, don't be sorry. I love you too." 

"Yeah." James sniffled. "Yeah, I know you do, but-" 

"But nothing. I love you the same way you love me." 

James didn't say anything at first, but he wriggled to get a little more comfortable. "Really?" 

Sirius's fingers curled a little more firmly around the back of his neck. "Really. I just- bugger, James, I want you to be happy. I thought you wouldn't be with me." 

"Sirius... how could I ever be happy without you?" 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


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